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72 posters

    Funny Jokes

    amaterasu
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    Post by amaterasu Fri May 30 2008, 15:34

    did you have to quote it'
    ?
    TheFirstKnight
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    Post by TheFirstKnight Thu Aug 28 2008, 22:49

    (I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)
    Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”
    Lady: “Ok.”
    (There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)
    Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”
    Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”
    Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”
    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”
    Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”
    Me: “…”
    (I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)
    Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”
    Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”
    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”
    Lady: “Yes!”
    Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone.
    What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five
    seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”
    Lady: “Ok—” *click*
    (I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)
    knssquad
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    Post by knssquad Thu Aug 28 2008, 22:56

    XD
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    Post by Shugo Thu Aug 28 2008, 23:07

    omg XD the best
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    Post by spyke543 Thu Aug 28 2008, 23:12

    Wow. I hope you got a raise for that.

    EDIT: I just noticed this was the jokes thread and not the funny things people say thread.
    D-Dei
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    Post by D-Dei Thu Aug 28 2008, 23:19

    TheFirstKnight wrote:(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)
    Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”
    Lady: “Ok.”
    (There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)
    Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”
    Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”
    Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”
    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”
    Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”
    Me: “…”
    (I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)
    Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”
    Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”
    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”
    Lady: “Yes!”
    Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone.
    What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five
    seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”
    Lady: “Ok—” *click*
    (I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)

    this made my day.
    jake989
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    Post by jake989 Thu Aug 28 2008, 23:33

    Wow, talk about stupid!
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    Post by KarateKeyaQ Fri Aug 29 2008, 09:41

    TheFirstKnight wrote:(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)
    Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”
    Lady: “Ok.”
    (There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)
    Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”
    Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”
    Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”
    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”
    Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”
    Me: “…”
    (I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)
    Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”
    Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”
    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”
    Lady: “Yes!”
    Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone.
    What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five
    seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”
    Lady: “Ok—” *click*
    (I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)
    xDD

    Roflmao.
    Nice.
    TheFirstKnight
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    Post by TheFirstKnight Sun Sep 28 2008, 17:24

    An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
    at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in
    the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
    she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhatten Bank due to the
    large amount of money involved.

    The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after
    opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted
    to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the
    woman.

    The woman was escorted upstairs to the President’s office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

    "No," she answered.

    "Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
    "No," she replied.

    He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.

    "I won it by betting" she stated.

    "As in horses?"

    "No," she replied, "I bet on people."

    Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I’ll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening nd take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.

    When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o’clock, humming as he went. He
    knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

    At 10 o’clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.

    "Well", she asked,"What about our bet?"

    "I don’t know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I’m the same as I’ve always have been, only $25,000 richer."

    The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.

    The President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

    "What’s wrong with him?", he asked.

    "Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I’d have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
    TheFirstKnight
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    Post by TheFirstKnight Sun Sep 28 2008, 17:39

    Here are the Amendments to the US Constitution written so that even
    the average Joe like you can understand them.


    Amendment 1
    You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it ay be. You have the right to shout at full volume the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to a slaughter.

    Amendment 2
    You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate
    weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they're for squirrels and such.

    Amendment 3
    You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, "Go to Hell," if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.

    Amendment 4
    The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it's for your own good.

    Amendment 5
    The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law... unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right not to have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.

    Amendment 6
    You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you're in for a long wait.

    Amendment 7
    You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you're a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you're SOL.

    Amendment 8
    You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, or hanged is not cruel or unusual.

    Amendment 9
    Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn't mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won't stop them from trying.

    Amendment 10
    Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn't like those rules, they'll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?

    Amendment 11
    This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand. So, can't possibly be important.

    Amendment 12
    In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim
    it is, we'll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.

    Amendment 13
    No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!

    Amendment 14
    States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless your black or female.

    Amendment 15
    Okay, black people can vote now too, but not women.

    Amendment 16
    The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.

    Amendment 17
    You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you're willing to learn.

    Amendment 18
    You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.

    Amendment 19
    Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!

    Amendment 20
    Crap about the president and congress... boring...

    Amendment 21
    Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.

    Amendment 22
    We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!

    Amendment 23
    You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.

    Amendment 24
    Voting is free. So now, even the trailer trash who couldn't afford the 18 cents before can almost afford to vote.

    Amendment 25
    It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you'll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense... and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.

    Amendment 26
    Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?

    Amendment 27
    Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain't cheap.
    Titaniumxvx
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    Post by Titaniumxvx Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:40

    TheFirstKnight wrote:Here are the Amendments to the US Constitution written so that even
    the average Joe like you can understand them.


    Amendment 1
    You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it ay be. You have the right to shout at full volume the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to a slaughter.

    Amendment 2
    You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate
    weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they're for squirrels and such.

    Amendment 3
    You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, "Go to Hell," if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.

    Amendment 4
    The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it's for your own good.

    Amendment 5
    The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law... unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right not to have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.

    Amendment 6
    You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you're in for a long wait.

    Amendment 7
    You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you're a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you're SOL.

    Amendment 8
    You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, or hanged is not cruel or unusual.

    Amendment 9
    Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn't mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won't stop them from trying.

    Amendment 10
    Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn't like those rules, they'll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?

    Amendment 11
    This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand. So, can't possibly be important.

    Amendment 12
    In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim
    it is, we'll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.

    Amendment 13
    No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!

    Amendment 14
    States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless your black or female.

    Amendment 15
    Okay, black people can vote now too, but not women.

    Amendment 16
    The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.

    Amendment 17
    You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you're willing to learn.

    Amendment 18
    You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.

    Amendment 19
    Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!

    Amendment 20
    Crap about the president and congress... boring...

    Amendment 21
    Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.

    Amendment 22
    We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!

    Amendment 23
    You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.

    Amendment 24
    Voting is free. So now, even the trailer trash who couldn't afford the 18 cents before can almost afford to vote.

    Amendment 25
    It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you'll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense... and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.

    Amendment 26
    Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?

    Amendment 27
    Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain't cheap.

    Those ratty teenagas!

    You tell em, TFK! [On a site filled with teens]
    panthachild
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    Post by panthachild Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:43

    lmao at the amendments xD
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    Post by Yoyo Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:47

    >_>
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    Post by quater Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:53

    America isn't a democracy what the heck is Ammendment 12 talking about?
    amaterasu
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    Post by amaterasu Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:54

    Good thing Canada exists
    Yoyo
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    Post by Yoyo Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:55

    Go Atlantis!! *lives there*
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    Post by quater Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:57

    Technically so do I according to the Google Map.
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    Post by quater Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:58

    amaterasu wrote:Good thing Canada exists

    Otherwise you'd live in our country and the 300 million of us are truly grateful Xp
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    Post by amaterasu Sun Sep 28 2008, 19:59

    quater wrote:
    amaterasu wrote:Good thing Canada exists

    Otherwise you'd live in our country and the 300 million of us are truly grateful Xp

    Than we are in agreement!

    !
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    Post by quater Sun Sep 28 2008, 20:00

    amaterasu wrote:
    quater wrote:
    amaterasu wrote:Good thing Canada exists

    Otherwise you'd live in our country and the 300 million of us are truly grateful Xp

    Than we are in agreement!

    !

    That keeping you a country apart from us is a good thing? Yes. Yes it is.
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    Post by Yoyo Sun Sep 28 2008, 20:01

    quater wrote:Technically so do I according to the Google Map.

    Really? Awesome. Evil Glare
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    Post by Aichu Sun Sep 28 2008, 20:02

    quater wrote:
    amaterasu wrote:Good thing Canada exists

    Otherwise you'd live in our country and the 300 million of us are truly grateful Xp

    Yeah, well we have oil and land. And an idiotic liberal way of life, but it sort of balances out! ...sort of.
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    Post by quater Sun Sep 28 2008, 20:02

    Yuriishi_Yhun wrote:
    quater wrote:Technically so do I according to the Google Map.

    Really? Awesome. Evil Glare

    Yep I live in a river that opens into an ocean ?
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    Post by knssquad Sun Sep 28 2008, 20:02

    XD wow
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    Post by Titaniumxvx Sun Sep 28 2008, 20:03

    amaterasu wrote:
    quater wrote:
    amaterasu wrote:Good thing Canada exists

    Otherwise you'd live in our country and the 300 million of us are truly grateful Xp

    Than we are in agreement!

    !

    You could all move to Maine and go fishing!

    I wouldn't mind being neighborly

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