Funny Jokes

Aki wrote:

Dancing Mist wrote:What was the last thing that went through the bugs mind before hitting the windshield?

what?

xD Its butt!

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you there.

nice!

I know no good jokes... T_T

don't fret happyangel, neither do I

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts
crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,
I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When
I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police
said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I
leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab
driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison."

heard it, still kinda of funny though
and sad (just a tad)

xD that one's good

IKNOWONE I KNOWONW! Lolz, but it's only funny when you're hyper:

A man walks into a bar... ... ... OW!

^^

I have one of those too

-You have an apple in your ear.
-Sorry, I can't hear you, I have an apple in my ear!

rofl, nice. LM

i dont get that, Happyangel ._.

a man literally walked into a bar.... and hurt himself.....dei...

50 thing to do in an elevator:

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

nice LM!

ABC's of ex girlfriends

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you. B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!" . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country
on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to
the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least
one of you will survive."

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

A
husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As
he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you
never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her
move!

euh... well, that much i got.. but... what's the point of it?..

and i didnt get either of yours >.>

O_O
WOW.....that's a first...

Lightning Mist wrote:An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country
on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to
the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least
one of you will survive."

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

That joke... Is great! hahaha

Thanks ^_^

yes i copied them from email i got...

> Subject: Only In America!
>
> 1.Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance.
>
> 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
> skating rink.
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
> the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
> healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>
> 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
> fries, and a DIET coke.
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
> the pens to the counters.
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
> the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
> then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
> want to talk to in the first place.
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
> in packages of eight.
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
> process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
> 'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
> 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.
>
> EVER WONDER????
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
> is made with real lemons?
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
> progress?
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
> ~~~~
>
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> (and that would be how??...)
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
> (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
> heating."
> (...and you thought????...)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
> body."
> (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or
> operate machinery after taking this medication."
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (and... I'm taking this because???....)
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
> only."
> (as opposed to...what?)
>
> On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
> (talk about a news flash)
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
> nuts."
> (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
> hands or genitals."
> (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


> > FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE Jokes
> >
> > A blonde called her boyfriend and said,
> > "Please come over here and help me.
> > I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
> > out how to get it started."
> >
> > Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to
> > be when it's finished?"The
> > blonde said, "According to the picture on the box,
> > it's a tiger." Her boyfriend
> > decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
> >
> > She let him in and showed him where she had
> > the puzzle spread allover the
> > table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then
> > looked at the box, then turned
> > to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we
> > do, we're not going to be able
> > to assemble these pieces into anything resembling
> > a tiger."
> >
> > He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you
> > to relax. Let's have a
> > nice
> > cup of hot chocolate and then............", he
> > sighed,.......................
> >
> >
> > "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the
> > box."

(my brunette math teacher didn't get that one...lolz)


Subject: A very clever woman
>
>
> A woman and a man are involved in
> a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of
> their cars are totally demolished but
> amazingly neither of them are hurt.
>
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're
a
>man,
> that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
> nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from
> God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace
> for the rest of our days."
>
>
> The man replied, "I agree with you completely.
> This must be a sign from God!
>
>
> The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
> miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle
> of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
> wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
>
> Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head
> in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
> hands it back to the woman.
>
>
>
> The woman takes the bottle,
> immediately puts the cap back on,
> and hands it back to the man.
>
>
> The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
>
> The woman replies,
> "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."



WOULD YOU REMARRY??
>>>
>>> A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when
the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.
>>>
>>> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>>>
>>> WI FE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>>>
>>> WIFE: -- silence ------
>>>
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Shit."


> 20 Ways To Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
>
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point
> Hair Dryer at passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do something, Ask If They Want Fries with
> That.!
>
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
>
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten
> over Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
>
> 6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" !
>
> 7. Finish All Your sentences
with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
>
> 8. Don't use any punctuation
>
> 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
>
> 10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
>
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
>
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
>
> 13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme.
>
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds
> All Day.
>
> 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
> Party Because you're not in the Mood.
>
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock
> Bottom.
>
> 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
>
> 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
> yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
>
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To the Economy, We Are Going To
> Have To Let One of You Go."
>
> 20. And the Final Way to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity....... Send
> This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called therapy


486-5731

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

' No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an
uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and s hout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just
pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did
it, Daddy .'

'And what happened, honey?' he asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't
moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no c lothes on, too. He was all
scared and he jumped out
of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you
took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731 ?'

'No, I think you have the wrong number......'

Renden2005 wrote:yes i copied them from email i got...

> Subject: Only In America!
>
> 1.Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
> ambulance.
>
> 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
> skating rink.
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
> the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
> healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>
> 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
> fries, and a DIET coke.
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
> the pens to the counters.
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
> the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
> then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
> want to talk to in the first place.
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
> in packages of eight.
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
> process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
> 'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
> 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
> lettering.
>
> EVER WONDER????
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
> is made with real lemons?
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
> progress?
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>
> ~~~~
>
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> (and that would be how??...)
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
> (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
> heating."
> (...and you thought????...)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
> body."
> (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or
> operate machinery after taking this medication."
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (and... I'm taking this because???....)
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
> only."
> (as opposed to...what?)
>
> On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
> (talk about a news flash)
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
> nuts."
> (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
> hands or genitals."
> (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


> > FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE Jokes
> >
> > A blonde called her boyfriend and said,
> > "Please come over here and help me.
> > I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure
> > out how to get it started."
> >
> > Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to
> > be when it's finished?"The
> > blonde said, "According to the picture on the box,
> > it's a tiger." Her boyfriend
> > decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
> >
> > She let him in and showed him where she had
> > the puzzle spread allover the
> > table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then
> > looked at the box, then turned
> > to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we
> > do, we're not going to be able
> > to assemble these pieces into anything resembling
> > a tiger."
> >
> > He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you
> > to relax. Let's have a
> > nice
> > cup of hot chocolate and then............", he
> > sighed,.......................
> >
> >
> > "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the
> > box."

(my brunette math teacher didn't get that one...lolz)


Subject: A very clever woman
>
>
> A woman and a man are involved in
> a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of
> their cars are totally demolished but
> amazingly neither of them are hurt.
>
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're
a
>man,
> that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's
> nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from
> God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace
> for the rest of our days."
>
>
> The man replied, "I agree with you completely.
> This must be a sign from God!
>
>
> The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
> miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle
> of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
> wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
>
> Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head
> in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
> hands it back to the woman.
>
>
>
> The woman takes the bottle,
> immediately puts the cap back on,
> and hands it back to the man.
>
>
> The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
>
> The woman replies,
> "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."



WOULD YOU REMARRY??
>>>
>>> A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when
the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.
>>>
>>> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
>>>
>>> WI FE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>>>
>>> HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
>>>
>>> WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>>>
>>> WIFE: -- silence ------
>>>
>>>
>>> HUSBAND: "Shit."


> 20 Ways To Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
>
> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point
> Hair Dryer at passing cars. See If They Slow Down.
>
> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
>
> 3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do something, Ask If They Want Fries with
> That.!
>
> 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
>
> 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten
> over Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
>
> 6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" !
>
> 7. Finish All Your sentences
with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."
>
> 8. Don't use any punctuation
>
> 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
>
> 10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
>
> 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
>
> 12. Sing Along At The Opera.
>
> 13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme.
>
> 14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds
> All Day.
>
> 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
> Party Because you're not in the Mood.
>
> 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock
> Bottom.
>
> 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
>
> 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
> yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
>
> 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To the Economy, We Are Going To
> Have To Let One of You Go."
>
> 20. And the Final Way to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity....... Send
> This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called therapy


486-5731

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

' No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an
uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and s hout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just
pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did
it, Daddy .'

'And what happened, honey?' he asked.

'Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't
moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no c lothes on, too. He was all
scared and he jumped out
of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you
took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731 ?'

'No, I think you have the wrong number......'

lmao

omg.... too long!!!

ROFL. i ike the blonde one, the clever woman, husband and wife, and the phone number.