Funny Jokes

Tch, at least Lightning is nicer.

hm.... no jokes?.... *sighs*

damn, I wanted a cookie....I'm always late for stuff...

i got some jokes ... lol here are some yo mama jokes



Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

now it's yo mama jokes...?

lol

wow

There was a blonde driving down
the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke
after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio
off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field
in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled,
"It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd
come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A blonde quickly went out to her
mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in
the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking
her mail again.


She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her
commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way
you keep looking into that mail box."


The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

lolz that if funny

lol... you've made my day a bit better

A blonde says "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"

A woman says "It's 11:25PM

The blonde says(with a confused look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

Problem: There are 10 blondes and 1 brunette that were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They know that one of them will have to let go because the weight of all 11 of them would tear the rope and they would all die, so they argue back and forth for a few minutes till finally the brunette says she will let go.

But first she explained why she was doing it and said good-bye to all the blondes, in an emoitional type of way.

All the blondes were so touched that they started clapping.

lol....

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

And...

There wuz a blonde a burnette and a red head..they were standin at the end of some steps and God says to them "ok girls, theres 100 steps infront of you and each one has a joke on it..if u can make it all the way up to me without laughing u can come to heaven..if not im sendin u to hell"

..well the red head goes up and gets to the 30th step and laughs

..god sends her to hell

..the burnette gets half way up and she laughs

..god sends her to hell

..the blonde goes up and makes it all the way to the top of the steps and is standin in front of god and she starts laughing

..god says "u made it all the way up here without laughing at any of the jokes..why do u laugh now"

and the blonde says "I just got the first joke"!!!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

lol this is awsome

hahahahaha those are some good ones ... lol

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.


She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed
at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!"


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

lol...nice...

heh...lolz

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.


Chuck Norris made a girraffe, by uppercutting a horse



The game 'Doom' is loosely based on the time Satan borrowed 2 bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back


Chuck Norris is the reason WALDO is hiding


The original title of Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs.
Chuck Norris. They had to scrap the idea because no one would pay $9 to
see a movie 14 seconds long.



Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.


When Chuck Norris goes for the last drop of A1 Steak Sauce, he gives the bottle a roundhouse and another 15 oz. come out.



Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier in a 1990 honda civic,

He than destroyed the car for not being american.



Chuck Norris doesn't swim with sharks. The sharks swim with him.

Chuck Norris aint hung like a horse, a horse is hung like Chuck Norris

The
Titanic did not hit an iceburg. The ship was off course and mistakenly
ran into Chuck Norris practicing backstroke accross the atlantic.


Chuck Norris doens't sleep , he is waiting

Did you know chuck norris cured a man's blindness? the first and last thing that man saw was a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

A
group of scientists once tried making a material harder than diamond.
Chuck norris obliged, and roundhouse kicked a large A-Bomb into a lone
molecule of artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got in a knife fight once,

and the knife lost.


Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.


God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said Say Please.

Chuck
Norris has two modes -- walk and KILL. We live in an expanding
universe... all of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Guns don´t kills people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

A meteor didnt kill the dinosaurs, Chuck Norris choked them to death then came back and round house kicked the meteor.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better wait the fuck up.

Chuck Norris is scawy...lolz

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful
words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one
magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure,
love, and hate.


In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and
intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John
really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck),
an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a
terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking
beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also
stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall
versatility of the word “fuck.”



Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1) Surprise -- “What the fuck are you doing here?”

2) Fraud -- “I got fucked by the car dealer.”

3) Resignation -- “Oh, fuck it!”

4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm fucked now.”

5) Aggression -- “FUCK YOU!”

6) Disgust -- “Fuck me.”

7) Confusion -- “What the fuck...?”

8) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this fucking business!”

9) Despair -- “Fucked again....”

10) Pleasure -- “I fucking couldn't be happier.”

11) Displeasure -- “What the fuck is going on here?”

12) Lost -- “Where the fuck are we?”

13) Disbelief -- “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”

14) Retaliation -- “Up your fucking ass!”

15) Denial -- “I didn't fucking do it.”

16) Perplexity -- “I know fuck-all about it.”

17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”

18) Greetings -- “How the fuck are ya?”

19) Suspicion -- “Who the fuck are you?”

20) Panic -- “Let's get the fuck out of here.”

21) Directions -- “Fuck off.”

22) Awe -- “How the fuck did you do that?”



It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a fucking
asshole.” It can be used to tell time -- “It's five fucking thirty.” It
can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal -- “Motherfucker.” It can be political -- “Fuck
Clinton!”



It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

“What the fuck was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -- General Custer

“That's not a real fucking gun, is it?” -- John Lennon

“Who's gonna fucking find out?” -- Richard Nixon

“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton

“Heads are going to fucking roll.” -- Marie Antoinette

“I could have used a fucking map.” -- Ulysses

“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein

“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” -- Picasso

“Okay, I know... we'll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty

“I can't believe I just fucking said that.” -- Patrick Henry

“Fucking backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar

“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” -- Michelangelo

“Fellatio is not fucking!” -- Bill Clinton

“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” -- Elvis

“Why? Because its fucking there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary

“I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?” -- Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” -- Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy

“What are the fucking chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler

“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”



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