Funny Jokes

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and
everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a
$110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

quater wrote:A suicide bomber storms into a petshop, "You have 30 seconds to get out of here before I blow this place sky high!"

The tortoise at the back of the shop, "You bastard..."

Made me laugh.

An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.

The two cats are very nearly identical; same gender, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.

The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously, there is some difference between the two cats.

What is the difference?

Spoiler:

The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).

Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused down his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. "What symbol should I use for the speed of light?" he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purposes.

Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is zery fast?" The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his hear sink) and replied, "Si."

And you know the rest of the story.

Darnás wrote:

quater wrote:A suicide bomber storms into a petshop, "You have 30 seconds to get out of here before I blow this place sky high!"

The tortoise at the back of the shop, "You bastard..."

Made me laugh.

xD xD xD xD

TheFirstKnight wrote:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and
everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a
$110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Yoyo wrote:

TheFirstKnight wrote:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car
is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and
everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a
$110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Smart blonde. :O

Yoyo wrote:*twitch*
*understood those jokes*
*is going to go cry in a corner, now*

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple; The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started saying how unfair that the requirement to be a natural born citizen was. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but then everyone's jaw hit the floor as she wrapped up her argument by stating; "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States. Now we know how it really happened.

quater wrote:

Darnás wrote:

quater wrote:A suicide bomber storms into a petshop, "You have 30 seconds to get out of here before I blow this place sky high!"

The tortoise at the back of the shop, "You bastard..."

Made me laugh.

xD xD xD xD

Right? Its so simple its funny. ^_^

Yoyo wrote:

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple; The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started saying how unfair that the requirement to be a natural born citizen was. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it all in and letting her rant, but then everyone's jaw hit the floor as she wrapped up her argument by stating; "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new President of the United States. Now we know how it really happened.

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was
younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70
Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile,
male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed
engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.


I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a
beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I
accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, over aerobicized
woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.


Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to
yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you %$&#@ idiot." I'm a
well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she
yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and
drive up next to her.


"Do you have a problem?" I ask.


"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"


"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"


"You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)


"I heard you."


"So, you measured my speed by ear?"


"I can hear."


"How fast did you HEAR me going?"


"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."


THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.


"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 30 mph (the speed limit is 50) to avoid a
collision.


"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.


She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.


She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What
about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little
overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.


"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement."


Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this assh*le?"


The cop says, "No, I am not."


I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she
left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here.
According to Title 19, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right
angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a
ticketable offence."


"What?" The cop looks confused.


"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me.
A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v.
Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she
had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offence."


The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."


"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can
demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge,
but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous
Conduct on a Public Street."


The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.


She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are
worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the
appropriate insurance surcharge!


Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look
on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for
me.


Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.