Hates Depression

I really really hate depression (when I type this, I will be swearing in my mind most likely because I am really pissed and mad and angry and grrrrrr, but I am trying hard not to scare you people with a swear fest because no one needs that)

If you don't know, I have been suffering from depression for years, and some of it is caused by my concussion. I don't know if any of you people even contemplated suicide, but I have on a few occasions, I was at the point where I had a knife in my hand and felt the weight of all the loneliness and helplessness and sadness from my life, but since I'm a coward I never had the courage to take my own life, and I thank Jesus Christ for that, because I know he has stopped me. But tonight I am feeling the same way, after realizing that I have no goals, no ambitions, or dreams to follow in my life. In other words, there is nothing for me to look forward to in my life.

The only dream of mine was to play in the NHL or pro Hockey, but because of my concussions, that dream was violently taken away from me, and the pain from that is one of the most horrible feelings I have ever felt, even more so then appendicitis, which almost killed me.

What purpose do I serve now? Am I just taking up space? I won't or rather can't be a productive member of society, someone with nothing to reach for. Nothing means anything to me anymore, graduating High school, going to university, growing up, falling in love, friendships, I feel as if its all meaningless.

But I suppose there is one thing I want to do, and that is I want to be a good father for my children. But frankly, I doubt I'll get that chance, since I'll most likely die before then.


I don't know what I was also going to say, but I guess maybe this, I have a big amount of memory loss. And I might have brain damage, and might not be physically be able to do things I love to enjoy, along with appendicitis and being sick a lot, it seems I have terrible luck, and some might call me cursed latter on.

I guess that's it for my rant