by THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A REAL BOYFRIEND.
(:
Yeahyeah, all you loveadvocates, feel free to disagree. xP
It's just an old note I wrote on facebook, making fun of a note titled "A Real Boyfriend." A lot of girls were putting it up at that time, and I decided to make fun of them... and the grammatical flaws of the note.
So here it is. How'd I do?
-
-
words of wisdom from death wrote:(This note had horrible grammar/spelling/etc. My commentary is in parentheses, ftw.)
I don't care if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now. (Good, you shouldn't. It's none of your business.)
I don't care if you are a guy or a woman or Michael Jackson. (I thought MJ was a dude? Or he's now a whole different classification of gender?)
Just read this, it will make a difference. (So sure of yourself, little note? You're just a note.)
If only everyone could see this and understand it. (We have lives. We don't have time to sit down and "see and understand" it.)
When she stares at your mouth,
Kiss her.
(Or she can be staring at the stain above your lip. In that case, she probably wouldn't want you to kiss her.)
When she pushes you or hits you like a dummy because she thinks she's stronger than you,
Grab her and don't let go.
(Unless she's a certified blackbelt who can back kick you into oblivion. Then I'd suggest you let go.)
When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough,
Kiss her and tell her you love her.
(Or run away from a woman's wrath, that's what a sane person would do.)
When she's quiet,
Ask her what's wrong.
(Maybe she doesn't know what to talk about. Yeesh. What is up with the assumption that all females are in dramaqueen mode if they're quiet?)
When she ignores you,
Give her your attention.
(Or give her space and stop being so clingy.)
When she pulls away,
Pull her back.
(Unless, again, she's a blackbelt that can whoop your butt into painful oblivion.)
When you see her at her worst,
Tell her she's beautiful.
(Now we're advocating lying to your significant other as well?)
When you see her start crying,
Just hold her and don't say a word.
(Or you can ask her what she's allergic to, and if it's serious so you can call 911 in case she starts spazzing.)
When you see her walking,
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
(But just in case she thinks you're a rapist, make sure she knows it's you before you decide to violate her personal space.)
When she's scared,
Protect her.
(Or you can be less passive and beat up the thing that's scaring her?)
When she steals your favorite hoodie,
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
(Girls never give back clothes.)
When she teases you,
Tease her back and make her laugh.
(But watch your words because as sensitive, fragile creatures, girls can misunderstand a teasing comment and perceive it as an insult. And then they cry. [hello,sarcasm.])
When she doesn't answer for a long time,
Reassure her that everything is okay.
(She might have fallen asleep on you. Or she could have been in deep thought about something OTHER than breaking up. Girls don't worry 24/7 about breaking up, yknow.)
When she looks at you with doubt,
Back yourself up.
(Only if it's a math or physics problem, because those can be backed. You can always lie about your intentions toward her.)
When she says that she loves you,
She really does more than you can understand.
(Or she's drunk. Or high. Or lying. Or a combination of all three.)
When she grabs at your hands,
Hold hers and play with her fingers.
(How can you hold her hands when she's holding yours? Hello, logical fallacy. :T)
When she bumps into you,
Bump into her back and make her laugh.
(Don't bump her too hard because she'll go flying.)
When she tells you a secret,
Keep it safe and untold.
(Duh. I thought that was a given.)
When she looks at you in your eyes,
Don't look away until she does.
(Isn't that romantic... until it turns into an awkwardly epic staring contest.)
When she says it's over,
She still wants you to be hers.
(Or she's moved onto someone else.)
When she reposts this bulletin,
She wants you to read it.
(In my case, it was to poke fun. Haha.)
- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.
(Unless she's fallen asleep on you. Have fun wasting minutes.)
- When she's mad, hug her tight and don't let go.
(Unless, once again, she's a pro blackbelt that can forcefully make you let go. Oh, and wrong usage of the word mad, which means insane. (: It'd be best if you break up with a mad girlfriend, yknow, for your own sanity.)
- When she says she's okay, don't believe it; talk with her because 10 years later she'll remember you.
(Or... she's really okay. What is up with the common perception of females being drama queens? Besides, I can't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. What makes you think I'll remember one random guy ten years from now?)
- Call her at 12:00AM on her birthday to tell her you love her.
(Unless she's asleep. Like any normal person on any normal day.)
-Treat her like she's all that matters to you.
(That would be obsession. Kid, worry about college first.)
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
(Um, when you're sick you need sleep. Not some shady Edward Cullen character watching your every move while you're in bed.)
- Watch her favorite movie or her favorite show with her, even if you think it's stupid.
(Or be a truthful guy and tell her you hate that movie or show?)
- Give her the world.
(Money works fine, too.)
- Let her wear your clothes.
(Yeah. And she'll let you wear hers.)
-When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
(Or give her space. Seriously, wouldn't guys want some personal time when they're feeling like a poopyface? Same with girls.)
-Let her know she's important.
(No arguments to that.)
- Don't talk about other girls around her.
(Dumb. As long as you're not talking about how hot that other girl is, I doubt she'll mind.)
- Kiss her in the pouring rain.
(So you can fulfill that ridiculous cliche that you believe all girls want? Booooring.)
-When she smiles up at you, kiss her forehead.
(Unless she has bangs. Have fun kissing hair. And she can't smile up at you if she's taller.)
-When she's tired, let her lean against you and don't let her fall.
(OR! Bring her to a legit bed so she can sleep well.)
- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
"Whose ass am I kicking?"
(Unless she can kick butt just fine for herself. Not all girls are damsels in distress, yeesh.)
If you do post this in the next four minutes, the one you love will :
Call you (Superstition.)
Kiss you (Scientifically impossible.)
Love you (No comment.)
Text you (Not if he dropped his phone down the toilet.)
Guys post as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."
(They so won't be that kind of boyfriend.)
Girls post as: "A real boyfriend."
(Like the vamp? Pshyeah right.)
And if you do not re-post this within 4 minutes and tag 13 people, you'll have bad luck with the one you love.
(Yeah. Sure. Because this note really affects my love life that much.)
