by ~True actors are the ones that spend their whole lives, pretending to be someone they're not. They are the ones who fit a role perfectly, because they know how it feels. Not because they were coached into knowing the role by heart, but because they've experienced it. True actors are the people you see everyday. That man on the street, smoking a cigarette by a crosswalk:: with a scarf around his neck. That woman at the check out counter, who's always smiling. That person you see everyday, but you don't really know. I know this from experience. After seventeen years of pretending to be someone I'm not, I have come to realize that it is acting. Because you're pretending to be a different person, someone other than the real you. After awhile your heart aches, and you long to be the person you always knew you were. Then you realize you can't, because people don't know the real you. They know the person you have pretended to be for so long. You fear that if they knew the real you, they would be scared. So you continue this charade, putting up this fake facade. Because it's the only thing you know how to do. The only thing you're good at~
I never thought that I'd be alone. Within the past week three people, I knew and loved, tried to kill themselves. It's just a shock to get up, go to school, and not see them. It hurts so bad, when you spend your time wondering: 'Could I have done something?'
'Maybe if I had just spent more time with them...'
Inside you know it's not your fault. But you still feel you're to blame. Your heart feels empty, knowing that it won't ever be the same.
I remember the last time I saw them, so happy. Laughing. Smiling.
The next day, I hear that they tried to kill themselves.
My whole world stopped. And I struggled to breathe. I asked God why, is this happening to me?
That was on Tuesday.
And they still aren't back. Yes, they're OK. But it still feels like I lost two of my friends. And my best friend's mother. Two seperate stories.
But the pain is still the same.
Will I be happy? And smile again?
Right now I don't know. Life seems to be taking a turn for the worst, right now.
Verbally abused by my mother. Scared to death to go home each day. Right now, I'm looking. But I have no place to stay.
