multy things

I swear, someday I will just die from depression, despair, sorrow, or something like that, I will just drop dead or something. Also I think I am doomed to suffer through these things for my whole life, I mean more than most people will have to deal with, at least, that is the impression I get.
Maybe its the realization that most of my serious childhood dreams are out of reach, and that everything I know is fading away. I am frustrated, sad, and scared, and I can relate to the psalms that have the same theme.


I just want to punch, or beat something up, I feel like I could; then again, I feel that I could just cry harder than I ever have before, but that isn't a possibility, since I can't cry, at least not easily, I didn't even cry at my beloved grand mother's funeral as I mentioned once a time ago, and its sad I guess.

Also something that is making me just terrible is that right now I have no goal for a future, I have no idea where I am aiming for. I am someone who needs something to aim for, a goal that I can work for; and when I have asked God what he wants me to do, all he said was do not worry and help people. I am trying not to worry, but I can't help it, I just see nothing right now, its like I'm in a pit, without a way of getting out, until the Lord comes and brings me out of it.

I know that at the right time, I will go for whatever it is I am suppose to do, but right now, its not going too well.

Another thing, and this is a secret which has been boiling up and has been frustrating me for so long. It seems that none of my characteristics are male characteristics, and every time I hear somewhere that girls act this way or that way, I think to myself, Hey that is exactly like me! And whenever I here that guys are like this, or think like that, I can't relate, its not me. I feel out of place somehow. Some times I just wish I was like other guys, I have almost no similarities with other guys, its so weird, and I don't like it, I can't be with say 14 other guys and be able to do what they do. And its odd because I am like 6'3 feet tall and over 200 pounds.

My parents keep pressuring me to check out lots and lots of universities, even when I don't care at all, I am not going to go to a medical school, or some school in Nova Scotia or Ontario, and I will tell them enough, but they won't listen. I said I want to go down to Liberty, and they say I need to keep my options open, andI could swear, but really I don't care for options for schools.


I read in proverbs today not to envy the sinner, and that may be what is happening to me, to be able to express my frustrations and sorrows with one word that is not fit for typing or saying, and just scream it out.
It seems like that only things I can really be excited for is sleeping, because when I am asleep, nothing is bothering me, and I am no different than any other person, and I can go away into a world of dreams.

I hate sarcasm, I really do, if sarcasm was a person, I would beat it with a bat until I couldn't hold the bat up any longer. I also hate when people try to be smug, when people do things that purposefully make you respond in a mad or angry way, or is it when people take things too far? Anyway I know I have done these things, and it tears me from the inside when I realize it.
I guess I can add regret to the things which have attacked my heart recently.

I'm not sure what to say right now, i feel like writing a song or a poem that described my helplessness, but really, nothing is coming to me, so since its late, I will heading out