by The Twilight Series: An Abridged Version
Written by someone who has never read beyond the first page of the first book
THE FIRST BOOK
Written by someone who has never read beyond the first page of the first book
THE FIRST BOOK
Bella: God this town is boring-oh hey who’s that.
Edward: I don’t know whether to suck your blood or go out with you.
B: You’re a vampire, aren’t you?
E: Yes.
B: Damn you’re hot.
E: *sparkle sparkle*
Evil vampires: Bella, we’re going to kill you.
Edward and co: Like hell you will.
Evil vampires: GAK!
B: Oh Edward, I love you.
THE SECOND AND THIRD BOOKS WHICH I CANNOT REMEMBER THE NAMES OF
(Bella and Edward GUSH about how HANDSOME the other is. STUFF happens, but it is largely PERIPHERAL to the aforementioned GUSHING. Somewhere, there is a WEREWOLF)
THE LAST BOOK
B: You know what, Edward? I’m sick of all this sexual tension. Let’s resolve it.
(THEY DO)
B: Oh shit I’m pregnant. I suppose I should have used contraceptives.
E: But I’m not supposed to be able to make ANYONE pregnant! We established that in a previous book.
Stephanie Meyer: Screw the canon I have money.
(Bella has the baby, and names it RENESMEE or something HORRIBLE like that. In the middle of this, she becomes a VAMPIRE)
Jacob, the aforementioned werewolf: I’m in love with you, Bella. But you’re with Ed. Fortunately you had this baby, so I can hit on it.
(Strangely, this is totally OK with the parents)
Thinly-Veiled-Vampire-Version-Of-The-Catholic-Church: Vampires can’t turn non-adults into vampires. Or have kids with them. This means war.
(Everyone prepares for WAR. The baby grows up REALLY FAST in the middle of this)
TVVVOTCC: Aha! Prepare for your doom!
(Despite this, the whole thing is TALKED OVER and everyone LEAVES without any VIOLENCE, leaving the readers who wanted a fight scene REALLY FREAKING DISAPPOINTED)
B: I love you Edward.
E: I love you, Bella.
J: I love you, Renesmee.
Reader: Ick.
THE END!
BOOK FIVE
BOOK FIVE
(The first book, only from Edward’s perspective. This is either really INTERESTING or LAZY, depending on your point-of-view. In the middle of this, someone HACKS Stephanie Meyer’s computer and STICKS the completed pages on the INTERNET. Meyer subsequently gets REALLY EMO and refuses to write anymore of it)
