Things on my mind lately.

Sometimes, I wonder, why do things go so wrong so quickly?
Then I realize: It's because if it happened slowly, we'd be able to see it coming, right? We'd be able to stop it.

In theory.

I think one of the worst things to feel is being angry, and not really understanding why, and directing at a person because you don't have anywhere else to direct it. And then one day you wake up and realize, oh. I'm really only mad at myself. It's my fault.

And that...just sucks.

Things are changing. And I didn't realize how much things are changing until recently. And a part of it is that I haven't seen my best friend in a while. Things have been....hard for her lately, and I feel the need to kind of take a step back from what's happening around her. And I can't do anything about it! Stuff is happening right now, that shouldn't be happening, and it's just not right. And I can't do anything. I don't know how to help. And it makes me so damn pissed off just thinking about it. But right now, I really want to talk to her. And I'm afraid of growing apart from the people around me.

Although, when I think about it, I'm learning more and more about myself. For example, I'm taking a long, hard look at my faith. There's someone I met a few years back who made me stop and think about my relationship (for lack of a better word) with God. And since then, I think--or at least, I hope--I've included Him in my life more, even just a little bit. But still, sometimes I doubt. But then again, I doubt everything. Argh! And how do I work through the doubt? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just kind of ignore it.

I also often wonder how people's minds work. It's like, what are you thinking? Why are you thinking that? Sometimes I can tell. Sometimes I just...get it. And other times, it's in retrospect. But there are some people who are just.......a complete enigma. And I don't know how to break through their facade, their mask. What do I do these days? I don't know.

And I'm just writing things down as they come to me.

I just beat Assassin's Creed 2 last week, I believe it was. And there's this one part that just stuck with me. You know how you hear something, and you remember it for no reason? It just plays over and over in your mind. Well, this game did that to me. Brain ninja'd. Dammit. It's just a random quote in the game, but....it's been on my mind ever since I first heard it. And I'm not sure why. It's such a dark quote, too. But...I'm fascinated by it. I even wrote it down in my little journal thingy. I don't keep a diary; I keep a random notebook with random things I write in it...randomly.

Mhm (I hate when people end a coversation this way). So I don't know what my mood's been like lately. It's affected by the people around me. I don't like having my happiness depend on other people. And it's only been like that lately. Maybe because I haven't had school to distract me, I've been able to take a step back and kind of contemplate my thoughts.

I want to be with the people I may not see for a while. People who are leaving, people who are staying but who I won't see everyday, people who will change and eventually go their own separate way. Or a combination of the three.

I'm not sure what possessed me to write all this down and post it. I just kind of felt like it. The later it gets, the more sentimental I get. This'll be fun to read. NOT.

If you read all that, I appreciate it. I would say I'm not usually this whiny, but actually, yeah, I am. Depression is not the right word for it. I'm just....a little lost. But I'm sure things will work out one way or the other.