I am a bit sad today~

I don't normally blog about my feelings, but I decided to give it a go~

Although yesterday I was laughing about it, today it just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. Like a bundle of nerves where my heart is located is biting into my soul. It hurts a little!

I truly got a bad end in this deal. And worst of all I will never even be looked upon as a victim or good guy. I'll be seen as the bad guy~

None of it was really fair for me. And yet I'm expected to step aside. It's a mess.

And the worst part is I truly want to move on. Forgive and forget. But my body is starting to accept it and my emotions and body are conniving together to make it harder on me. I don't like that~ I really want to step forward and forget about it all. I am tired of thinking about it. I am tired of dealing with it. I want to move on.

But my heart aches anyway. And my body is still queasy from it all. And my emotions and thoughts still swirl back to the situation for no good reason. It bothers me. Cause as I said, I want to move on.

I really do feel like I deserve to be recognized as good, too. When all is said and done, I really don't deserve to be the bad guy here. But I am~ In the plays and movies, when the girl was engaged to one man, but really loved another, and ran off from the wedding to be with the other? I am like the one she was engaged to. The bad guy. The one that she had to break away from for 'true love' to survive.

Which is crap~ I was a good boyfriend, though I'll never get credit for any of it. I'll always be remembered as the one she got away from so she could find true love. And I don't think that's fair either. At least if I have to accept her already dating a new guy, I feel like the universe should compensate me with something. But nothing comes~

And even though I really, really want to move on, I still hinge on any conversations we have, or facebook statuses I see. I am wrestling with myself. The intellectual party of me that is sick and tired of all this. The optimistic part of me that just wants to move on and find some good in this. And the part that really loved Abby. The emotional sickness inside of me. The part of me that is shocked that only 3 weeks ago we were dating and happy. The parts of me that hates her for how she treated me.

I don't like unstable emotions. I usually am very stable, and I quickly tie up my emotions and toss them overboard when they get unstable. So this whole thing bugs me. And a part of me wants to give myself credit. I mean, we dated for a year and a half, I shouldn't beat myself up for having a hard time with this. But at the same time, I really do just want to move on, so I am annoyed that I haven't let this go. And the two sides keep warring. One side saying, "Let's move on, just let it all go." And the other side saying, "You have a right to not be happy after how this went down and you dated her for so long".

Ugh, and I also can't stand that all th sorrow and pain was tossed on me. All the heartbreak was carried by me. Abby's been enjoying a life of bliss and happiness with her new beloved and I got stuck with the entire bit of sorrow. Further, there's no guilt, no unhappiness to Abby. For her, she was escaping the bad guy and reaching out for true love. So leaving me doesn't make her feel bad, but good. It was a step forward to a new guy.

A part of me, a vengeful part of me I didn't know existed and I really don't like, wishes that she just tasted a part of it. That she got handled the way I was handled and then let the heartbreak fall on her. Then see if she posts so many happy statuses constantly. Then see how she feels.

And it scares me that a part of me even exists that thinks like that. =/ Siiigh. I still don't see it as fair~ All I got was looked down upon and tossed out. Abby got everything. This break up was perfect. She couldn't of gotten off easier. And I lost everything.

And yet for some reason I'm still her friend. Still talk to her. Still make her laugh and joke around. I don't get it~ How am I supposed to feel? Am I really expected, supposed to be happy that she's found a new guy in 8 days? Actually, she confessed she liked him 5 days after leaving me. Gosh. That's fair.

And it makes me sad. Sad that after all my energies, all my time, all that I did for her. That I am going to be remembered as the guy who held her back. And he'll be remembered as the knight on a horse that pulled her into an exciting land of love. Especially when it's not my fault. I was a really good boyfriend. Heck, I carried this relationship for a long time. More than my fair share. I get busy at works for a few weeks and bam. She's already fallen for someone else, who wasn't working.

Not to mention, I was a really good boyfriend. I really was. I know I've said that, but it's true! :( And I'll never get the credit for it. It wasn't like I treated Abby bad, I treated her good. Real good. I was there for her. Even when I had other things to do, I always put them aside for her. I helped her with everything from homework, to crying over nothing, I always tried to help. And part of me wonders if that was really the problem. Maybe I was too good? Abby's never dated other guys before, I was her first. After dating me, me having given my all, to her for so long, maybe she just became dulled by it. When you see a rainbow it's like, "Cool! Rainbow"

But if you see a Rainbow every single day, several times a day. It's not going to be a big deal, and you're not going to care. And maybe I fell to that. =/ I think my love for her just became dulled. I was no longer special, despite being the same guy as I'd always been, so she moved on. She wanted the special feelings with someone else. And I, who had given so much, got left with nothing. I wasn't given a fighting chance. I didn't have a chance. Not one chance to save the relationship. And I didn't get understanding, either. It wasn't like she suffered through this, not at all like I did. I just got left with a, "Well suck it up and move on" Heck, Abby did say at one point pretty much just that. (I don't have the quote verbatim but I can promise you it was nearly identical)

And I'm not even going to go into the other circumstances of why picking the time she did to leave me was unfair. I don't even want to think about that anymore.

I don't love her anymore. That is the truth. You can't really be treated that way and still love the person. I did love her, but it's over. So why part of me is still clinging to it all, I don't know. Sigh~ I really do just want to move on. Escape the pain, escape the lame. Just forget and move on. I really do just want to bury it all and go on a different path. A path where I'm no longer thinking of Abby.

And bit by bit I was getting there. I guess her dating someone else just threw a bunch of wood to the fire in my heart, that I had been spending the last week and a half trying to put out.

And I am sad. Sad that a person that cared for me, and I cared for her, so quickly changed. In a month's time she went from loving me to going out with someone else. And in a weeks time she started dating another guy after quitting me. It feels like it went too fast, and I guess my body is just having a hard time keeping up~

Sorry I rambled at you guys like this. Just not sure what to think on it all, and I guess a new wave of sadness just hit me today. It'll go away soon, but still. Also, I would normally NEVER blog about this, but my go to person to talk to about stuff was Abby, so now I have no one really to talk to. I mean, I have my friends, but my number one opener left me high and dry.

Also, if Abby reads this, this wasn't an attack on you just more of a dog howling at the wind. Don't get all mad at me for it, please.

Oh well~ It's all making me sad. =/ And I had just started to be happy again. And this is my bloggy.