I'm Not to Blame

Stop saying the same things over and over again. People tell me that you're only saying this to hurt me, and if I say something back to you, it'd only be considered to you as "a job well done."

Is that why you constantly repeat it? Over and over and over again? Are you waiting for me to break? Are you waiting for me to fight back? Or do you just want me to agree with you?

Guess what? I've already heard it since I was born. It's my fault. You all tell me that. It's become like a crappy sad love song on repeat. It gets old, repetitive, and it loses its effects.

So, it's my fault? How? What do you have to base that accusation on? You weren't there. You never were, so how would you know? I've blamed myself over and over again, but that didn't change the fact that it happened. If it did change it, I'd be happy to take all the blame you throw at me, I really would. The fact is, it can't.

You think you're the only ones that suffered, but that's not true. I suffered, my brothers did too. We were there when it happened. You have no idea how much pain we went through because we were there, but wasn't able to do anything. You don't know just how much we blamed ourselves over the years. We never blamed anyone but ourselves. Never. So where do you think you have the rights to tell me something I never even said out loud?

I'm a coward. Yes, I am. I wish I can say all this to your face. I wish I could've told you this when you screamed at me for being responsible for it all. But I can't bring myself to do it. You're my family. As much as I want to, I can't hate you. I just can't. It hurts me to even think of this as what I want to say to you. It hurts me to know that you hate me so much, even though all I want is to be accepted by you. It hurts me even more that while you're screaming, I was standing there wishing you dead. All I can do is endure it all and hold my tongue, while wishing that one day, you won't hate me so much anymore.